Mistakes I’ve made travelling in first and business class
Flying first or business class — or by private jet — is not as easy as it looks. Navigating the social stratosphere is a minefield. Here are the mistakes I’ve made — and you can avoid to help you to look and feel the part when the upgrade you’ve been dreaming of finally comes through.
Do not look happy, as I did when I started turning left. This will mark you out as a newbie. Take a leaf out of the travel book of Gwyneth Paltrow, who once sat opposite me on Concorde. Pretend that the entire experience is woefully beneath you and you are only “slumming it flying commercial” because you had to lend your PJ (private jet) to Robert De Niro.
Begin your epic sulk in the airport lounge by turning down the below-par champagne and wines in favour of still water. If it’s not Cristal, Puligny-Montrachet or Pétrus, you’re not interested.
Once on board, do not settle into your Poltrona Frau upholstered suite with a smile on your face, as I did in Singapore Airlines’ Suites Class. Instead, complain that the ice cubes are too cold; the tint of blue of the sky out of the window does not perfectly match your limited-edition Prada hand luggage; and the thread count of the linens “would shame an airport Holiday Inn”.
2. Looking like an upgrade chaser
Do not dress up, as newspapers cheaper than The Sunday Times sometimes recommend. This will make you look like an upgrade chaser. Instead choose only wildly expensive Loro Piana and Brunello Cucinelli cashmere knitwear and sweats in wholly impractical colours for travel — whites and creams. You care not a jot for sky-high dry-cleaning bills.
Displaying your airline top-tier frequent-flyer card at any time other than at check-in is so naff it’s instant social death. Flash it on board as I used to and no one will speak to you when you go to the sky bar — which you’ll become familiar with if you’re travelling on Virgin Atlantic, Qantas, Emirates, Etihad or Qatar Airways.
• I’m building the world’s biggest airport in Dubai — it’s eight in one
Over drinks at 39,000ft there is only one game to play: travel one-upmanship. Early in conversation with a fellow traveller ask: “And where are you going next?” Before they can answer, floor them with something you feel sure, based on their clothes, they could never afford. Skydiving on to an ice floe at the North Pole for a nine-course dinner prepared by a three-Michelin-star chef usually does the trick. “It costs £1 million, since you’re asking. Nice talking to you, bye.”
John Arlidge enjoying the finer things in first
3. Being too pleasant
If you are unlucky enough to find that other people’s children are in the cabin, don’t be British and grin and bear it. Politely ask the parents to stow their kids in the overhead lockers.
Don’t forget to travel with at least one executive assistant — looks good on arrival — but be sure to relegate them to premium economy (if you are feeling charitable) or economy (if not). You can’t properly enjoy the big seats without knowing a colleague is suffering in goat class.
4. Don’t ask about the perks and be picky with what you pilfer
On any ageing Russian or former Soviet bloc carrier be careful what you wish for. I once asked an Aeroflot cabin steward what perks I could look forward to at the pointy end of the Ilyushin jet I was flying on from Moscow to Novosibirsk. “Seatbelts,” he told me.
Pilfering is tacky — unless you are in first class on Etihad, the UAE flag carrier. Its Giorgio Armani pyjamas come in a large green soft leather pouch that makes a perfect iPad case.
Don’t look like an upgrade chaser in search of the top seats
GETTY IMAGES
5. Forgetting the private jet code
Private jets come with special social considerations. First, do not tell people you are taking “the easy jet”. That joke expired in 2008. Never arrive late to the private jet terminal — the plane leaves when your host says it leaves. If your host is not a friend, do not address them by name — it’s always “the principal” — and he or she gets to sit down first when you board.
Don’t forget to order two helicopters with twin engines to pick your party up from the steps of your jet when you land and to take you into the city. Can’t be too careful.
• My jet’s bigger than yours… How Trump’s new plane measures up
Do not inquire after your luggage — where it is, when and where you need to collect it — as I did when I took my first Gulfstream G650 from Farnborough to Teterboro (New Jersey). Your driver will take it out of the boot of the car when you arrive at the private terminal and hand it to the jet manager. The next time you see it will be when you walk into the Aman at your destination.
Don’t worry if your suitcase is empty. With any luck the jet operator will have rushed it to the hotel before you and arranged for your butler to unpack your clothes, steam and press them and hang them in the closet. Warning: you can get very used to this.
Have you made mistakes flying in first class or business? Share your experiences in the comments online
link
