How to Tell Your Family You Won’t Be Traveling Home for the Holidays

There’s a certain expectation that runs in a lot of families that adult children will return home during the holiday season. For the most part, these adult children comply, flocking home from the Brooklyn neighborhoods they have overpopulated to visit with relatives who ask things like “isn’t it so dangerous there?” But this year, lots of people are bucking tradition, with the term “spending Christmas without family” amassing more than 17.5 million posts on TikTok.

Some are choosing to stay home rather than brave the crowded airports in an effort to save a bit of money. According to Ally Bank, 38% of Americans plan on spending at least $1,500 on holiday travel and gifts. But others are ditching tense family dinners in exchange for more affordable international travel. TripIt reports that 35% of Americans will travel internationally this winter.

Whether you’re opting out of traveling home to save money or to take a preferred trip somewhere a bit higher up on your bucket list, there’s a way to break the news to your loved ones that can minimize tension. Thrillist spoke with Go2Africa’s travel expert Justin Chapman about how to tell your family that they won’t need to keep your table setting out this year. Here is his strategy, broken down step by step. And remember—this advice can apply to any major holiday gatherings this year.

Remind yourself why you’re going away instead of going home

“The first step is to make sure you’re clear in your own mind about exactly why you’re choosing to go away instead of going home,” Chapman advises. “Is it because you don’t get much time off throughout the year, and this is the only time you can get away? Is it because you’re spending time with your partner’s family instead, perhaps for the first time? Is it difficult to go home, either logistically or emotionally? It’s important to remind yourself of your reasons to go away, so that you can’t be made to feel guilty about your decision.”

Tell them ASAP

“The longer you leave it, the harder the conversation will be, and the more upset will be—not to mention it’ll be more of an inconvenience if they’ve already done all the food shopping and included you in their catering plans,” says Chapman. “As soon as you’ve made the decision not to go home, or as soon as your trip away is booked, tell your family.”

Be honest, but gentle

“Honesty is the best policy. Don’t make up a lie that you’ll have to stick to forever, or blame it on money if that’s not the issue, as they might offer to pay,” Chapman explains. “But perhaps be gentle with the truth. Rather than saying you can’t face it because you can’t cope with the same arguments you have every year and it’s too stressful, maybe try something like ‘We wanted to try something new this year and treat ourselves to a holiday and some relaxation.’”

Keep the conversation calm

“If they get angry, it’s because they’re probably feeling disappointed, or even abandoned, so give them some space, and be prepared for them to be annoyed,” Chapman says. “Don’t get defensive, and you don’t need to have a big apology speech prepared, just acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you understand that they’re upset.”

Suggest alternate options

“Suggest an alternative to the big day, so you can still spend time together and celebrate, without the pressure that Christmas day brings,” Chapman says.

Get in touch on the holiday

“A quick phone call, Facetime, or even just a text, will remind the family that you haven’t forgotten them,” Chapman advises.

You can’t keep everyone happy

“You don’t need to apologize for your decision to go away instead of going home, so be firm and stand by your choice, but be respectful,” Chapman says. “Some family members might be annoyed for a while, but remember that you’re putting your own needs first this time and you can’t keep everyone happy, and enjoy your holiday!”