Going home for the holidays? Here’s how to cope with travel stress : Life Kit : NPR

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MARIELLE SEGARRA, HOST:

You’re listening to LIFE KIT from NPR.

Hey, everybody. It’s Marielle.

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SEGARRA: You know, it’s always frustrating to get stuck in transit. We all want to get where we’re going, not to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic or spend 10 hours at the airport or wait on that freezing cold corner for the bus that doesn’t seem to be coming. But all of this feels especially annoying if you’re headed somewhere for the holidays. Dan Harris, host of the mindfulness and meditation podcast “10% Happier,” has some theories on why.

DAN HARRIS: Maybe because we expect everything to be perfect during the holidays. Maybe because from a travel perspective, everything actually is worse during the holidays in that there is more traffic and more people at the airport.

SEGARRA: You may also have complicated feelings as you anticipate reuniting with certain family members. You know, what am I about to walk into?

HARRIS: I’m traveling, I’m going home, I’m going to see my parents or my family. Or I’m going to revert back to old family roles that are stressful, and I’ll feel infantilized, or I’ll feel my childhood trauma coming back up again. And so this traffic jam is the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back.

SEGARRA: On this episode of LIFE KIT, Dan and I talk about how we can keep our cool while we’re in transit, and in particular, on the way to some family holiday weekend or gathering. We’ve got tips you can use quickly in the car or at the airport or wherever, and big picture ideas to reframe these moments.

HARRIS: Can you go into the holidays with the idea of, yeah, this is an opportunity for me to practice a bunch of skills that will help me the rest of my life?

SEGARRA: Like learning how to communicate clearly, how to set boundaries with others and with yourself, and how to tap into that mindfulness that we all have inside of us.

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SEGARRA: OK, Dan, let’s say you’re in that moment of frustration. Maybe you’re sitting in traffic, for instance, and people are laying on the horn. And you feel your blood pressure rising, and your chest is getting tighter and you’re starting to get really frustrated. What are some practical ways to bring that anger or that frustration down?

HARRIS: One thing I find very interesting is just putting a half smile on your face sends a message to your brain that you are happier than you actually may be or may actually feel in that moment. This is just a little thing you can do. And it may sound corny, but I would just ask that you try it, you know, just to say it’s based in evidence.

SEGARRA: I wonder if putting on cheerier music in the car would help, too.

HARRIS: Absolutely. Why wouldn’t it? Whatever you can do that doesn’t hurt somebody else to boost your own mood, I say you do it. So yeah, cheerier music can help. Another thing to consider would be deep breathing. I like this technique called straw breathing. Take a deep breath in and then exhale two or three times longer than you inhaled, as if you’re blowing through a straw. So just a gentle pursing of the lips. So I find that just doing a little bit of deep breathing if I’m in traffic or if I’ve just learned that there’s a flight that’s being delayed, or if, you know, some relative of mine is being provocative, it’s, for me, really helpful.

There’s another musical tip, and I got this from a great therapist and author, Jenny Taitz, which is to take whatever inner-thought track is stressing you out and sing those worries aloud. And I love this because for me, one of the most powerful ways to reduce stress and anxiety and depression, whatever’s ailing you, is to not take your thoughts so seriously. That is such a winning move. Most of the time, thoughts are flitting through our consciousness, and we’re acting them out reflexively and automatically. But actually, many of these thoughts are negative and repetitive and not yoked to reality. And so if we can learn to have a different relationship to our thoughts, that is just a huge win. And so singing them aloud is one of many techniques.

SEGARRA: So if I’m in the car and I’m stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, one of the thoughts that would probably come up for me – well – is a string of curse words that I probably shouldn’t say on the podcast. But let’s say maybe I would say, this stinking jerk. But instead of saying it like that, I can be, like, (singing) this stinking jerk.

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SEGARRA: Is that the idea (laughter)?

HARRIS: Yes. I mean, you have a pretty good voice. So absolutely, yes.

SEGARRA: Thank you.

HARRIS: Or (singing) I’m worried that my mom’s going to judge me like she’s done since I was 2, or whatever it is. You can take it even deeper (laughter). My son, who’s 9, doesn’t love that I do this, but every once in a while, he’ll ask me a silly question, and I’ll sing the answer to him. He’ll ask me, like, what are you doing? What – Daddy, what are you doing? And I’ll say (singing) a little thing called none of your business.

And I know that that’s a typical annoying dad move, or falls within the realm of annoying dad moves, but it is a great way to – sometimes if he’ll articulate a concern to me and I’ll – I don’t want to make fun of him or diminish the concern, but if I can reflect back to him that it’s not that big of a deal, and he’s fine and he’s safe, it’s not a bad move. And that’s a thing we can do for ourselves.

SEGARRA: And now that you say that, I kind of like that line for nosey family members. (Singing) A little thing called none of business. So what if you’re in the car and you’re just really physically uncomfortable? Like, you have to pee, but you’re stuck in traffic, or this could happen also on the subway. Are there ways to distract yourself or games you can play, even in your own head?

HARRIS: Are you asking for a friend or is this something you’ve been through many times?

SEGARRA: (Laughter) I mean, it’s happened to me.

HARRIS: No. I relate to that. I’m a 53-year-old man and so I relate to this deeply. So in meditation, there are strategies for using your attention when there are physical sensations that are uncomfortable. You can either focus in or focus away. Focusing in is interesting – and this is the more obvious meditative move, where you just bring your full attention to the uncomfortable sensation of having to go to the bathroom, just gently bringing as much of your attention as you can to the raw data of the physical sensations. You’ll notice that they’re changing all the time. And then also, you can separate the storyline, the catastrophizing storyline, you’re adding on top, from the sensations themselves. The storyline might be, I am never going to get out of here. This sensation is just going to get worse. This is never going to end.

Start to get curious and look at all of this with some mindfulness or some nonjudgmental remove. The other move is to deliberately bring your attention to something different. Our minds can only do one task at a time, so you’re paying full attention to something else just for a little bit of relief.

SEGARRA: You know, there’s this discomfort that’s physical – right? – when you’re traveling, whether it’s having to pee or you’re, like, cramped in a really tight space on the airplane and your legs are feeling super restless. And then there’s also the emotional discomfort that comes with traveling. And those two things can blur together as well. Physical discomfort can become emotional discomfort.

But, yeah, I’ve been in the car on the way to Thanksgiving with a couple of people who are bickering in the front seat. I’ve been in the car with someone who has road rage. And you weren’t stressed, but now you are because you’re trapped in this small space with somebody who has fury coming out of their ears. What can you do in that moment?

HARRIS: Well, first of all, I think you’re pointing to something really true, which is that emotion is contagious. When somebody is behaving in a way that is stressing you out – I mean, there are a number of moves, but one of them can be just to clearly communicate to them that you’d like something to change. Hey, I am really feeling some kind of way about the way you’re behaving. Are you open to switching things up? Or – finding a polite but insistent way to draw a boundary seems like a move we all should be able to make.

SEGARRA: Yeah.

HARRIS: You sound only semi-convinced.

SEGARRA: (Laughter) I don’t want to call anybody out, but sometimes you get into entrenched dynamics with people. In those moments, sometimes I try to just go inward and live in my own little bubble.

HARRIS: To me, that sounds completely fair. And I don’t disagree with you at all. I mean, these entrenched dynamics can be what makes the holidays so hard to navigate. But to your point about going inward, I also think that’s a completely legitimate move. I want to draw this distinction between dissociating, which is a kind of a trauma response that many of us develop as children.

When things are too much to take, we dissociate, we leave our body to assert the radical association, the tuning in of mindfulness and meditation. So in a moment in the car where you’re in the back seat and people are bickering or somebody’s screaming, you can get in touch with your bodily sensations. You can notice things you’re seeing outside of the window. You can pick things to be mindful of, to be aware of, to be conscious of that are very healthy, that aren’t kind of this dissociation move that sometimes makes sense but can really be a move that we make when we’re in a trauma response.

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SEGARRA: OK, Takeaway 1 – when you’re in a situation where the volume is just too loud, the plane is delayed again, your family member is screaming in the car seat next to you, there are proven mindfulness tips that can help you ground yourself – put on a half-smile, listen to cheery music, try straw breathing, sing your thoughts, focus inward or focus away.

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SEGARRA: We’ve sort of been talking around this so far, I guess, the – that there are a lot of emotions that come up when you are in transit, especially on the way to some family or holiday gathering. One of those is anxiety. You know, maybe you’re running late, and you’re worried about what your family member is going to say about that ’cause you’ve been late before. How can we cope with that sort of anxiety when we’re stuck in traffic or at the airport or whatever?

HARRIS: I’m sure you’re familiar with this concept of self-compassion, but for those who are not, it’s just the ability to talk to yourself or to treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend. And this is a sort of burgeoning field of modern psychological research that is – has shown that people have this capacity to be self-compassionate are more effective at reaching their goals and happier and healthier. So for me, my big travel anxiety is I have really debilitating claustrophobia, so getting on a plane is really hard for me. And I have a demonstrated history of panicking in these situations.

And so learning how to talk to myself, you’re good. There is no danger here. Any fear you’re experiencing is kind of your brain lying to you. You are absolutely fine. You’ve been through this before. If you experience panic, that’s just a set of physiological sensations that you have a 100% track record of surviving. And if you want to supercharge this kind of saner inner voice, you can put your hand on your heart. And I have found that this one-two punch, for which there is evidence on both sides, both the reprogramming or rewiring of the inner dialogue and the compassionate self-touch, for me, has been incredibly effective in anxiety in all of its flavors.

SEGARRA: I feel like you could also apply this if you’re fearful of what’s going to happen when you get to whatever event, and particularly around interpersonal dynamics. So maybe you have an in-law or an uncle or whoever that says not-so-nice things to you or always has a passive-aggressive comment to throw your way. And you’re in the car and thinking, oh, my God, I’m going to see this person, and what are they going to say to me this time? How can you apply this technique or other techniques to cope with that as you’re on the way there?

HARRIS: Yeah. Look, you know that Uncle X is there, and he has this history of saying Y or Z things to you that you find provocative. But you’re good. His opinion isn’t that important. Or whatever it is you want to say to yourself, I think that’s really helpful. And what I think can make it even more helpful is to have techniques for dealing with him or her or whoever the person is. You know, in the case of somebody who’s got a history of saying provocative things, just walking away. It doesn’t have to be in a huff. You can just move on to something else, or, you know, there’s a whole menu of options that we have. But in terms of the self-soothing for the anticipatory anxiety, having a talk track that you’re delivering to yourself is, I find, really helpful.

SEGARRA: Takeaway 2 – practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend. You can also place a hand over your heart or somewhere on your body. This is called compassionate self-touch. Both of these actions can help you work through travel and family anxiety.

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SEGARRA: So I should say when we’re traveling, sometimes we are not perfect angels who treat ourselves and others with compassion. Sometimes, we take out our frustration on people in our car or on people that we don’t know. Any tips to center yourself to avoid road rage or being rude to airport or transit staff?

HARRIS: This is an interesting one because I think there are these preventive measures that I find very helpful, like meditation, for example. But then the other thing to say is whether you’re a meditator or not, whether you’re working on your mental health or not, you’re still possibly going to screw up when the conditions are right. And so that’s when I think there’s this remarkable technology available to all of us called the apology. And I retain the capacity to be a schmuck in many, many ways, and I find it amazing that I have this ability to go back and apologize later, and generally speaking, if you make a real apology, people will forgive you. The other thing to do is to kind of – and this goes back to your inner talk track – I screwed up. But it doesn’t speak to my fundamental character necessarily. I’m just a flawed person like every other person, and so I can learn from this and grow.

SEGARRA: Yeah. Along those lines, the pulling back to realize that you’re flawed, but so is everybody else. It’s this idea of the universal. And there’s something that you’ve said about remembering that when you’re in traffic, that millions of other people are dealing with something similar at this moment, and you’re not alone.

HARRIS: Absolutely. As bad as this feels, as unique as this feels in the history of humankind, actually, no, right now, millions of people are having the exact same experience I am right now. Right now, on the planet, there are millions of people who are anxious, millions of people who are angry. There are millions of other people who are having the exact same experience right now.

SEGARRA: Takeaway 3 – if you lose your cool, apologize, and remember that this one moment doesn’t necessarily speak to who you are as a person. We all get angry, we all get anxious and we all make mistakes that we need to own up to.

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SEGARRA: I feel like travel and flight delays are extra frustrating because they’re just out of our control, right? So what is your advice about coming to terms with a lack of control in these situations?

HARRIS: One of the big problems we face as a culture is that we’ve become increasingly allergic to discomfort. This isn’t our fault. It’s just the way society is structured now, especially with technology. It’s so easy to get everything we want – dates, a ride, entertainment, whatever – with a swipe. So friction has been removed from our lives in a pretty effective way. But the deleterious effect of that is that we are intolerant to discomfort and that – many experts believe – is contributing to the epidemic of anxiety. So back to this idea of a reframe. Can you reframe travel as practice for life’s inevitable ups and downs? This is a nice, reasonably controlled environment in which to practice for the big things that are coming at all of us. I hate to get too dark with you, but we live in a universe characterized non-negotiably by impermanence, and we and everybody we know will get sick and die at some point. And so, you know, how do you want to be in the face of all of this?

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HARRIS: I think you, to the best of your ability, you want to train in the capacity for equanimity, which doesn’t mean you’re excited that you’re feeling physical discomfort or that loss is inevitable, just that you’re upping your OKness quotient to the best of your ability. And travel is a really interesting place to train that muscle. This is a nice little phrase that I heard recently from a Buddhist teacher – tatra-majjhattata. It basically means right there in the middle of it. I’m standing right there in the middle of it. Yeah, this is the way it is right now. I don’t have any control over whether this flight is going to take off. I don’t have any control over whether my uncle is going to say the same old provocative stuff he’s been saying to me my whole life. I live in a universe that is characterized by change and entropy, and that’s just the way it is. But tatra-majjhattata, can I stand in the middle of this and be OK?

SEGARRA: I love that. We’re always in the middle of it. There’s always something that we’re in the middle of.

HARRIS: It never ends. One thing we can count on is that life will keep throwing stuff at us, and we have to decide how do we want to be with this.

SEGARRA: Takeaway 4 – travel frustrations can be a way to practice for some of the bigger stumbling blocks that come our way in life. Sometimes, it’s good for us to experience a lack of control, stand in the middle of it and learn to be OK.

Well, thank you so much, Dan. These will be really helpful this holiday season.

HARRIS: Thank you for having me, and good luck out there.

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SEGARRA: All right, it’s time for a recap. Takeaway 1 – if you’re stuck in traffic or delayed at the airport, or you’re trapped underground on the subway, and the train is just not moving, try one of the mindfulness techniques that Dan mentioned – put a half-smile on your face, sing your thoughts, do straw breathing – where you breathe out for longer than you breathe in – focus your attention on something that calms you, like trees you see out the window or a really cute baby.

Takeaway 2 – show compassion for other people. But you know what? Especially for yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend. Takeaway 3 – if you get snappy with people and you’re not on your best behavior, apologize. And Takeaway 4 – think of these admittedly stressful moments as a chance to practice. Life is filled with chaos and uncertainty and uncomfortable situations. And wouldn’t it be great to feel even a little bit better amidst the storm?

For more LIFE KIT, check out our other episodes. We’ve got one on how to minimize family fighting during the holidays and another on quick techniques for when you’re anxious. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love LIFE KIT and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected].

This episode of LIFE KIT was produced by Margaret Cirino and Sylvie Douglis. It was edited by Meghan Keane. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malaka Gharib. Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andee Tagle and Clare Marie Schneider. Engineering support comes from David Greenburg.

I’m Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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